隠れハラスメントも、立派なハラスメント

メンタル・イデア・ラボの本城ハルです。

社会にはさまざまなハラスメント（嫌がらせ）が蔓延しています。

セクハラにパワハラ、マタハラなど、これらは専ら職場で起こりやすいハラスメントで、モラハラは職場はもちろん、夫婦間やパートナー関係で、ドクハラは医療機関で起こり、社会問題にもなり始めました。最近はスメルハラスメントという言葉もあるようです。確かにニオイというのはデリケートな問題であると同時に『香害』という言葉もあるくらいですから、他者に不快感を与えるには十分で、これも現代社会が抱える問題だと言えます。

その中でも今回は一番身近にあるモラルハラスメント（モラハラ）についてお話してみようと思います。

◇

このモラハラ、男性だけが加害者と思われがちですが、夫婦間やパートナー関係において女性もモラハラ加害者になっているケースが多くあることをご存知ですか？

無理難題の押し付け、思い通りにならない（あるいは思い通りの反応ではない）、自分が納得いかないとヒステリー（時に暴言暴力）・・・無意識に自分がモラハラ加害者になっているかもしれないのです。もはや性分では済まされない時代になってきました。

▶︎ モラハラ加害者になりやすい人には、いくつかの特徴があります。

【プライドが高い】誰もが持っているプライドですが、そのプライドの持ち方が特徴的です。自分は正しい！という尊大な気持ちが強く、他者を認めることができないことで歪んだプライドの高さとして表れる。

【自己評価が異常に高い】プライドの高さにも言えることですが、他者評価と自己評価に温度差があり、普段の、または踏み込んだ関係になると自分上げ他者下げ（「仕事頑張ったら主任になったよ！」に対し「へぇ、私だって仕事頑張ったから昇進して臨時ボーナスまで出ちゃったよ！」）がナチュラルに出る。

【認知が独特且つ客観性に乏しい】物事には両面あるように、二者間にはそれぞれの違った思いや考え方があることは当たり前ですが、モラハラ気質の人は自分視点で、しかもそれは“みんなそうだ（だと思っている）”と考え、自分は正しい、だから自分の考えに従わせようとする。

まとめると、

思い込みが強くプライドが高い、自分至上主義で尊大、支配的。思い通りにならないとヒステリーに暴言暴力。

中には気質的に攻撃性の高い人もいますし、間違った正義を振りかざす結果、モラハラ化してしまっている人もいますが、正義≠王道です。

モラハラの根底にあるのがパーソナリティー障害、発達障害であるケースも増えており、モラハラ → ＤＶとステージアップし、ズブズブな共依存になっているケースも多く見てきました。

◇

大切な人を無意識にボロボロに傷つけてしまうモラハラ、無意識にモラハラ加害者になってしまわないために、心掛けていくと効果的な自分の認知確認があります。それは、

自分の考えを常に“疑ってみる”。

こうすることで客観性を持たせることができます。

例えば『待ち合わせには絶対に遅れてはいけない、だから５分前には着くように行くべきだ』と考えるＡさんがいるとしましょう。この考え自体は決して間違いではないし、むしろ心掛けとしては良いと言えます。

でも、それは飽くまでもＡさんの考え方であり、Ｂさん、Ｃさんはまた違う考え方をしているかもしれません。

Ｂさんは『待ち合わせ時間ジャストに待ち合わせ場所にいればいいと思う。だって早いと相手に気を遣わせてしまうと思うから』。Ｃさんは『今は携帯でやり取りできるんだから、待ち合わせ時間なんて堅苦しく考えなくてもいいんじゃない？いちいち遅刻だ何だって面倒』という考え方かもしれません。

この、“自分以外は同じ考えではないかもしれない”が客観を持つポイントになります。程度の差こそあれ『自分は間違っていない、自分が正しい』と思い込む人は一定数います。その“自分の考え”や“思い”を一歩退いて眺め、『自分は◯◯と思うけど、他の人は違う考えを持っているかもしれない』と疑問を持ち意識すること、これが大切です。

自分視点だけでなく、他者視点でも物事を考えられるクセを持つこと。

これが客観性を身につけていくコツで、これで完全にモラハラ気質が治まるわけではありませんが『自分が正しい、だから言うことを聞け（聞くべき）！』ということを意識的にストップさせることは可能です。

失いたくない大切な人、愛する人が心をすり減らし、心の免疫力を低下させてしまわないように、自分の認知を客観的に観るクセを身につけていきたいものですね。

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